The Chipmunk's DIY Guide to Content Filtering

If you are a parent and want to use the computer as a babysitter because you're too lazy/stupid to do it yourself, you need to filter your internet access, theres lots of horrible things out there in cyberspace. Pictures of breasts are not unknown. There may even be pages (unthinkable though this may be) espousing liberal viewpoints. This is disgusting.

You must have filtered internet access. This can be expensive. You obviously ultimately want to buy content filtering software but while you are saving up, heres a tip for you.

You can do your own content filtering! Yes, it is true, you do NOT need to be a geek to know how to do this stuff!.

Materials you will need.

*you may be able to make do with one

Step 1. Locate your telephone network interface. This is usually a small gray box about 6 inches by 10 inches on the outside of your house.

Step 2. Locate the outgoing cable (this will be the thinner one that is NOT labelled "phone company ground")

Step 3. Follow this cable. If it disappears through a wall, use the pickax to open up the wall.

Step 4. Locate your "phone jacks"... these will be small rectangular things attached to the small stiff cable.

Step 5. If there is no flexible cable (cord) connected to a jack, remove the jack with the pickax.

Step 6. For all jacks that DO have a flexible cord plugged in, follow the cord. If it ends up in a device with a "handset" (that is a small thing with a microphone and earpiece that you hold to your head)... this is a "telephone"... it is not in itself evil, and can be useful for reporting people to the police, for example, people whose opinions are more liberal than yours, and/or democrats. Report them.
Repeat steps 4,5,6 until you have eliminated all telephones.

Step 7. For any devices connected to a cord that do not look like a "telephone"... see if it looks like a printer. If it does, it may be a "facsimile machine" or "fax". These while not INHERENTLY evil, can be used to send you pictures of boobs.. destroy it with the pickax.

Step 8. At this point, you should have only one cord left. This cord connects to your PC. The beige (probably) box it is hooked to is your computer. This is what you want.

Step 9. Using the small philips screwdriver, remove the cover of your PC.

Step 10. Tape the hand grenade to the inside of your PC near where the cord enters (ignore all other cords, they aren't relevant)Be SURE not to tape the lever to the side of the grenade. The tape is to prevent short circuits.

Step 11. Remove the pin from the grenade and run away till you hear the bang.

Step 12. Replace the cover, screw the cover back on, and replace the PC in its usual location.


People in your family are now safe from Porn, Liberals, and other evil things online. And we are safe from YOU

*Please note: This is supposed to be humorous. If anyone attempts to follow these instructions, I won't be liable, we'll just call it "Darwin at work".

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